by Alexa Barkley
“Imagine a community with tons of eager, well-meaning young people who really want to please God. Imagine that this group of young people has little to no sex education and may not even know words like consent or the accurate names for their own body parts. Imagine that sex is viewed simultaneously as the trophy at the end of the race toward which they strive and the monster hiding in the closet that could destroy them without warning. Now further imagine that the young women in this group have been told that they are the gatekeepers of the young men’s sexual purity.” (pg 34 ~ #ChurchToo by Emily Joy Allison)
Many of our survivor clients who were raised as girls in Christian contexts were taught in childhood that their core identity, the core existential purpose of their life, was to dress, behave, and exist in ways that prevented men from accessing them sexually while simultaneously signaling availability and suitability for a faithful Christian marriage.
Girls in Christian contexts have generally been taught some version of the message that boys are fundamentally unable to overcome their wild, masculine, God-given sexual urges, and it is a Christ-loving girl’s duty to prevent those urges if possible and to stave off those urges if activated.
It is a very short path from those concepts to the conclusion that when a boy or man gropes, assaults, violates, or rapes a girl or young woman, it is that girl or young woman who has failed in her responsibilities to prevent and stave off his urges, and not the boy or man who has failed.
If a girl or young woman fails to take the proper responsibility for her provocation of the boy or man’s urges, if she protests that she believes herself to have deserved autonomy, dignity, and safety regardless of this boy or man’s urges, she is punished for her audacity.
We are outraged and exhausted that so many such stories exist, and we are grateful and honored that Alexa is vulnerable and courageous enough to share hers here, to give readers the opportunity to understand the real impacts of these harmful ways of thinking about gender and sexuality.
Jay Yoder, Director of Operations and Stephanie Krehbiel, Executive Director
Into Account with Our Stories Untold
My Hair Was Too Red
Purity culture told me that there was something inherently evil about me. The reason the opposite sex could not keep their hands to themselves was entirely my fault. Whatever the off switch was, I wasn’t pushing hard enough – my clothes were not drab enough, my body too curvy, my hair too red.
Over and over, the sexual violence that I experienced in my young life was blamed on me. I was a slut, demon-possessed, too dramatic, the anti-Christ. A little girl blamed for her own molestation. All at the hands of a bunch of men who decided that their revolting sexual urges were more important than the safety and security of a child. Pedophiles.
Unfortunately for me, one of those pedophiles was in a position of religious authority and I was a little girl who believed that he spoke for God. I wanted so badly to please God and I kept getting it wrong. That’s what he told me. I was the problem and he had all of the answers. So many people believed him – my family, my friends, me. I was sure they were right – they had to be. I tried so hard to turn off whatever this attractive pull was, to quelch whatever the evil inside was. I wore baggy clothes, I covered my face with my hair, I hid. Girls hated me for it, and men could not keep their hands to themselves. There was absolutely nothing I could do. Assault after assault, all blamed on me.
John Stephen Marquis came to Mimico Baptist Church in Mimico, Ontario, Canada at a time when I really needed a friend. I had just been raped and was struggling with difficult school and home situations. He was big and fun, and he and his wife Angela Marquis seemed like they would do a lot of cool stuff with the Youth Group. I was 14 at the time and was really excited to participate in the activities that they had planned. We did a car wash, attended the Billy Graham event at the Sky Dome in Toronto, and attended some retreats. It was wonderful to hang out with everyone and we formed a really great group. It was so nice to have a safe place to go. Something to look forward to as the rest of my life fell apart. Through this time I had several boyfriends, some of whom even participated in youth events with me. To me, John Marquis was very much a married Youth Pastor.
Like I Wasn’t Trapped
On one occasion in either late 1994 or early 1995, I was invited to sleep over at John and Angela Marquis’ apartment in North York, Ontario. In the evening, John and I ran errands and hung out. He was a fun person to be around. I slept in the living room and the next morning, for some reason, his wife was gone and we were alone in the apartment.
He invited me for a tour of his apartment, which was strange because I had been there before on other occasions, with other Youth Group members (and I wasn’t really sure why I would need to see his bedroom) but I said OK. He took me into his office first and was talking about the books that he was reading and things he was working on. I stood near the door while we chatted and then when he was done, we went back into the living room. He then led me into his marital bedroom and laid down on his bed. I stood at the foot of his bed and he told me that I should sit down on the bed. I hesitated but sat down on the end of the bed, close to his feet, cross-legged, as we continued talking. He then made a comment that my neck looked like it hurt, with the way that I was holding it, and that I should come and lie down on his shoulder. I did what he said, in hopes of minimizing my risk. I later learned that I had used a technique called “fawning”. Fawning is a trauma response technique used by something small and vulnerable to attempt to survive something large and very much in control (John was 6’8 and in his late 20s). As I laid down on his shoulder, I kept my head down to try to prevent what I was pretty sure was coming next.
John reached down and tipped my chin up, so that my mouth met his. He started kissing me passionately, repeatedly thrusting his tongue in my mouth. As he continued to kiss me, he lifted me on top of himself and ground his erection against my pelvic bone. This went on for a few minutes.
He did stop. Maybe he felt that I wasn’t participating. Of course I can’t say why it stopped for sure but I was so glad that it did. Then he made me breakfast. I just wanted to go home but again, I sat there and played along. Sat there in silence. He was talking to me like I was an adult that he had just cheated on his wife with. Like I wasn’t a child he had just molested. Like I wasn’t trapped.
Alexa Was the Problem
That Sunday at church, he tried to get out ahead of me by telling people that I had kissed him. Like that made it ok. Except that in the minds of the adults in the church, it did. No amount of yelling and screaming by me would change a thing. They had decided that I was the problem – the adulteress. He kept his position. He used that position to punish me.
For me, the period after the molestation was almost more traumatic than the actual assault itself. During this time, I lost the companionship of the Youth Group that I had come to rely on as John Marquis turned them against me. He convinced them that I was demon-possessed and that I should be shunned. I was made to continue attending both church and Youth Group by my mother, which compounded my punishment as I was subject to congregational shaming in both settings. Everyone thought John was the greatest, that I was the slut who had kissed the hallowed youth pastor, and that I needed to be shamed for my awful behavior.
Since coming forward with my story in 2020, several people have apologized for their participation in this group shaming, acknowledging its occurrence. Others who participated in it have denied knowing that the sexual interaction between myself and John Marquis occurred at all. Others still will admit that they knew that something physical had happened between John and myself, but did not know the extent of the interaction.
At the time of the assault, the other unfortunate side effect of John’s influence was that the other male youth group members felt as if they could touch me as well, which made attending Youth Group very unsafe for me. Any time I tried to protest or stand up for myself, I was deemed to be dramatic or problem-causing and was further shamed. There was nothing I could do to change my circumstance as long as John Marquis was still Youth Pastor at Mimico Baptist Church. Even after he left, his legacy hung on. Alexa was the problem. She almost derailed a man of god and his holy, sanctioned marriage and mission. The church stood with John Marquis. They cried when he left and tried to convince him to stay.
But there was no way he could stay. His guilt was getting the best of him. It was getting more and more difficult to keep up the charade that all of the fighting in the church was over the standard 90’s keyboard vs piano debate. John Marquis resigned in the fall of 1995 amid confusion.
The following summer, the few remaining members of the Youth Group attended Kingdom Bound at Darien Lake as we had many summers before. Unfortunately, John was there with his new Youth Group, and almost all of the members of the old Mimico Baptist Church Youth Group. Again, I felt excluded over something I had never wanted to happen in the first place. We saw them in the main lodge and he could not even raise his eyes to look at me. He just stared straight down as guilty as could be.
I Have Come to a Few Conclusions
I came out of that church confused. I was convinced that I was to blame for my own molestation and sure that I was bad. I thought that there was something inherently evil about me, and that I was the problem. I carried that with me for a long time. Until only recently, in fact. God was mad at me and I was the problem. I had PTSD-type reactions to church administration, especially at the church where this happened, but my mother continually tried to draw me back in and I participated. I bought into the lie that I was the problem and did my best to be a contributing member, hoping to change everyone’s view of me.
I met my husband and was married, and initially drew away from church and from God. I wasn’t sure why I would want to expend energy on a deity that was so mad at me – someone that I had no hope of pleasing.
When I had my kids, I knew that I wanted them to grow up in the morality of the church and I was hoping for community for all of us. We found a large Jesus-centred church with great kids’ programs and over many years of hiding in the shadows and undoing the incredible damage that was done during my childhood, I have come to a few conclusions and made a few decisions.
There Are No Bad Children
I now know to my core that Jesus loves me exactly as I am and that the heavy load of judgement that I lived my childhood under was 100% man-made. Christ weeps for what happened to teenage Alexa, and for any child that is exploited by someone claiming to be cut from a higher caliber cloth. Jesus protected the adulteress. That’s what they called me. He hates it when religious people elevate themselves and shame those who are already down.
There need to be structures in place to prevent what happened to me from happening to any other child. A pedophile should never be given the power to manipulate the situation to the extent that John Marquis did, especially in the name of God. The church, as the hiring body, has a responsibility to keep children safe. The trust that people put in the church is inherent in its name and cannot be exploited.
There are no bad children. If a child appears “dramatic” or to be “acting out”, people need to please look for the underlying cause. If the child is telling you that her almost 30 year old married Youth Pastor kissed her, go to the police. Even if you believe the Youth Pastor’s lie that the child kissed him first, the child cannot consent. If you are offering children’s programs, you should know this. The child is never to blame and “drama” is often a cry for help.
There are laws in place to protect teenagers from adults in positions of authority for a reason and it has to do with maturity levels and power divides. It is absolutely inappropriate to equate the maturity level of a 14 year old child and a grown man. I think that for me, this was the biggest eye opener as to the ridiculousness of what happened. This came especially clear to me as I raised my own teenage daughters. As such, with the support of my husband and children, in the Fall of 2020, I went to the Toronto Police to report the assault that I have just discussed. They did their investigation and in January 2021, John Marquis was arrested. He is innocent until proven guilty and is currently out on bail awaiting trial as of the date of posting.
John Marquis Was the Pedophile in the Room
Also worth noting is that in October 2020, I disclosed my abuse to Rev. Jim Sanderson, who remains lead Pastor of Mimico Baptist Church. Although he initially denied knowing that anything had happened between John and myself, during a phone call, he admitted knowing that there had been an encounter (presumably he had believed John’s lie that I had kissed him, and had done no additional follow up). He also made another comment about John “definitely having been the adult in the room” in the apartment that day, which is, I would contend, a very eye opening statement. John Marquis was the pedophile in the room that day, molesting the little girl who was trapped. To say that “he was the adult in the room” is ascribing fault to both people, and then ascribing marginally more fault to John because he was the adult. That’s ludicrous.
What should have happened in October 2020, when I informed Rev. Jim Sanderson of the incidents of Child Abuse that took place in his church in the ‘90s (and the fact that the police were involved and John was still listed as being in ministry), was that Jim should have immediately notified the Canadian Baptists of Ontario and Quebec (CBOQ) of my disclosure. Through my advocate, I have confirmed that the CBOQ has thorough policies in place which clearly describe this fact. Reporting the abuse to the CBOQ would have initiated a process which would have had them hear my story, and work to make sure that John could no longer hurt people in his current role as an ordained minister with the Evangelical Missionary Church of Canada. Reporting to the CBOQ would have also instigated an investigation which I believe would have made Rev. Jim Sanderson look awful, and I can understand his aversion to beginning this process. I suggest that his failure to report makes him look even worse.
Let’s See What We Can Learn
John Marquis is a pedophile and the police are dealing with him. That’s instance number one of pastoral misconduct taken care of. I’m suggesting that the Canadian Baptists of Ontario and Quebec should also be investigating a second instance of pastoral misconduct by Rev. Jim Sanderson, as it relates to the abuse of Alexa Turcsanyi/Barkley, involving decisions made in the 1990s, and again, at the time of reporting in October 2020 – For never sitting that little girl down in the ‘90s and asking her what happened, for failure to protect a child from a man who was known to have had sexual contact with a minor, and for failure to report an abuse disclosure to the CBOQ such that an investigation could play out and so that the necessary churches could be contacted to minimize present day risk. I’m suggesting two separate investigations. The one around Jim Sanderson can proceed immediately, unhampered by police investigations. Let’s see what we can learn from what happened in order to make sure that this never happens again.
Because John Marquis was coddled by senior leadership at Mimico Baptist church, he was able to continue in his role as “man of god” which has allowed him access to many children over the years. My concern is that there are other women out there who still believe that they are to blame for physical interactions which occurred with John Marquis during his time as their Youth Pastor or Lead Pastor. Based on publicly available information, John left Mimico Baptist Church to work as the Youth Pastor at Erin Mills Baptist Church in Mississauga, Ontario, Canada (now ‘The Mills Christian Fellowship’). From there, he was Senior Pastor at Nobles Memorial Baptist Church in Windsor, Ontario, Canada and finally, he was Lead Pastor at the Community Evangelical Missionary Church in Windsor, Ontario, Canada.
It is Never the Child’s Fault
Those who were negatively impacted by interactions with John S. Marquis in his capacity as a Youth Pastor or ordained minister are invited to contact Stephanie Krehbiel at Into Account (skrehbiel@intoaccount.org) with their experience. The objective is to ensure that this man never has access to another victim and that those who were hurt by him in the past are brought to the understanding that it is John and his inappropriate sexual attraction to children that is the problem, not them. It is never the child’s fault.
I’m going to close with a quote from Emily Joy Allison’s book #ChurchToo, which has been an amazing resource for me as I have been navigating stepping forward and shedding the sexual shame that has weighed me down as a result of the abuse that I suffered at the hands of John Stephen Marquis. The church continues to want to cloak all of this in silence which makes it impossible to identify the gaps in procedure that supported my abuser. Those gaps helped, at the time, to sweep everything under the rug, allowing John to move from abusing me straight on to another Youth Pastor position, with access to more kids.
We need to shine the light, find those holes, and fix them, so that this never, ever happens to another child. The fact that it embarrasses some of the people involved because their behaviour at the time was egregious, is entirely secondary. It’s often children that are the ‘less privileged’ that Emily mentions. We need to make sure they are protected.
“Purity culture is a direct path to sexual shame. Different people respond differently to purity culture, and often our privilege insulates us from consequences that people with less privilege have no choice but to internalize. So not everyone will be carrying ten tons of baggage with them into adulthood. But almost everyone who grew up in purity culture exhibits signs or attitudes of sexual shame. And sexual shame is one of the main things that leads churches into silence when someone is abused in their midst.” (pg 36 ~ #ChurchToo by Emily Joy Allison)
The post I Have Made a Few Decisions appeared first on Into Account.